Jack Noodle: Cthulhu must not be allowed to have Bangladesh

After four murders of secular bloggers in Bangladesh, and the publication of a list that includes the names of the victims and 80 other bloggers dedicated to a free liberal and secular Bangladeshi society Captain Jack Noodle contacted us to express his concerns over the situation in Bangladesh.

We at Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific are gravely concerned for the safety and welfare of all Bangladesh citizens at this time. Dark and powerful forces are influencing minds and it is leading to callous disregard for life and the perversion of basic moral and ethical principles going back to the first party attended by the primordial midget and the strippers by the beer volcano.

Neloy Neel was found earlier this month, tortured and decapitated in his home.  This could have been prevented. And it is not like he didn't try, he did seek assistance from the local police who sent him home with a firm commitment to ignore his complaint.

Even after Neloy's body was found, Bangladesh's most senior police officer suggested the whole problem could be solved if the bloggers stop publishing crazy ideas like Cthulhu should not control Bangladeshi politics, "Really that's insane of course that is going to upset minions of the Great Old One, the Destroyer of Worlds. If Cthulhu intends to destroy the world who are these bloggers to question his psychosis?"

The secular Blogger's have noted that Cthulhu is channelling his influence through Saudi Arabia, both financial and support of Salami causes within Bangladesh. Despite a clear secular constitution, deference to Cthulhu's mind bending dogmas pervade the workings of government and the justice system. There are warnings that Bangladesh could be as highly controlled by Cthulhu as Pakistan in a few decades.

Secular bloggers in Bangladesh are attempting to do nothing more radical than maintain the freedoms enjoyed by Bangladeshi people by asking questions about the methods and extent of Cthulhu's influence in Bangladeshi life. Freedom which Cthulhu is apparently focused on destroying. 

While His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sauce be upon him) concentrates his efforts on holding the universe together against centrifugal force. We Pirates must stand firm against Cthulhu's reality destroying ways. Shiver me timbers. Ramen.

We contacted minions within Cthulhu's organisation off the record they claimed their support of Salami's in Bangladesh was primarily for humanitarian purposes only, examples offered included song sheets with titles including "death to the infidel" and "behead those who say Coldcuts is violent" or boosting morale, we were shown a shipment of machetes, which they claimed were simple ornamental wall hanging decorations. We asked about the beheading of Neloy Neel. they replied:

We love soccer, you may have heard this. Neloy, a very fun guy asked if he could join us in a game. Then, we realised we'd lost our ball. We worked out how to solve our plight, and sure Neloy was reluctant, but it wasn't long before his objections faded as we began our efforts to provide a solution and get going. We were disappointed he didn't put more effort in, most he just lay there.

We put this to Captain Jack Noodle. He looked visibly ill, when we played him the recording of the above response.

This is very disturbing. Only a very few hard drugs and Cthulhu can get people that detached from their inner midget. This is a level of depravity not seen since Cthulhu controlled Nuns ran laundries in Ireland.  Our FSM(SBUH), loves us, sure he's drunk, but not a mean drunk, and he wants every one to play nice and really think things through. Clearly, those Salami are not the brightest, but even so, why not just put some effort into finding the old ball or buy a new one. 

See Also
 TheLipTV
 BBC - Bangladesh Blogger killings: Police Arrest Three people

[Ed - All jokes aside, this tragedy should not be ignored. Bangladesh's bloggers are a brave community engaged in the kind of political criticism and analysis we take for granted in progressive liberal democracies, a right for which they have paid for with their lives and received credible death threats. There is no expressing the horror with which these murders are carried out on this blog simply because words fail and the images are too gruesome. For those who question the statement the "religion perverts morality", this is a clear demonstration of what is meant by that statement. Violence is not a rebuttal, and never an acceptable contrarian counter point, but it is an admission that the argument is lost. Fascism is death to good conscience. While Neloy was an atheist, other secular bloggers are Muslims, and Hindus - the question they raise are important any society and must be asked. Will some claim offence is being caused, the the reality those claims come from people in fear of loss of privilege or a potential loss of a path to power. Nothing to do with happy clappy self delusion or relationships with invisible friends. ]

On banning offensive racist publications

Many calls have been made in in recent times to ban publications for racist or offensive content. The highest profile target among  these is Charlie Hebdo. Such calls have been wrong for reasons not the least of which because Charlie Hebdo is has a pro-immigrant political position.

If we are to ban publications for racist or offensive content, then to be consistent, we must also ban The Bible and the Quran.  Woah! That's a big claim there!  And if you're offended, you're welcome, let us be united in our offence, because there is plenty to go around. Let's take a look at some of the worst ideas in human history.

Bible: Foreigners are chattel

The following passage shows that slaves are clearly property to be bought and sold like livestock, furniture or equipment.

    However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you.  You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land.  You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance.  You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way.  (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT)
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Bible: human trafficking and sex slavery.

The following passage describes the sickening practice of sex slavery.  How can anyone think it is moral to sell your own daughter as a sex slave? Additionally, it is not really improved much by the restraint against slave trading with foreigners.

    When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are.  If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again.  But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her.  And if the slave girl's owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter.  If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife.  If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.  (Exodus 21:7-11 NLT)
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    Moses, Eleazar the priest, and all the leaders of the people went to meet them outside the camp.  But Moses was furious with all the military commanders who had returned from the battle.  "Why have you let all the women live?" he demanded.  "These are the very ones who followed Balaam's advice and caused the people of Israel to rebel against the LORD at Mount Peor.  They are the ones who caused the plague to strike the LORD's people.  Now kill all the boys and all the women who have slept with a man.  Only the young girls who are virgins may live; you may keep them for yourselves.- Source

Bible: Stone Women for extra marital sex

Sex is a natural and human act, fulfilling psycho-social needs and supporting healthy states of mind. yet this backwards text offers one of the most barbaric practices available to the human species in order to put an end to it.

    If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. ... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.(Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

Bible: The mark of Cain

This meme referring to Genesis 4:16 points to black/brown people being excessively violent, or at least that annoying them could have severe consequences. A meme that today for some, associates ethnic minorities with a propensity to violence. It is basically nonsense, but if one powerful ethnic group puts enough energy into disempowering another ethnic group, there will be blow back in the midst of the genocide. This is a human response it has little to do with ethnicity, or religion, except for what the oppressor group chooses to make of it. Just as American Christian settlers liabled indigenous "red skins" and "savages" for "manifest destiny", or as the Nazis liabled the Jews for the "The Creator" and "father land", and now as the far right wing liable Muslims for "racial purity", "Sovereignty" or "cultural preservation".

Koran: Jews are pigs, Christians are monkeys:

In Chapter five the Koran discusses the relationship Muslims should have with Christians and Jews, and goes on to use pejoratively compare them to other species. Demonstrating a version of the arrogant "chosen people" meme which earlier appeared in Judaic texts.

    O ye who believe! Take not the Jews and the Christians for friends. They are friends one to another. He among you who taketh them for friends is (one) of them. Lo! Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk.  (5:51)

    Shall I tell thee of a worse (case) than theirs for retribution with Allah ? (Worse is the case of him) whom Allah hath cursed, him on whom His wrath hath fallen and of whose sort Allah hath turned some to apes and swine, and who serveth idols. Such are in worse plight and further astray from the plain road.  (5:60)
- Source

Koran: Beat your wives

It does not matter that the associated haddiths say to beat her lightly, and to not leave a mark, the fact is, at the very least, this is psychological abuse, if we ignore the physical behaviour. This comes from the ideas like "Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will"(2:223) (ploughable land), chattel and to be managed and cajoled like children.

    "Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great." 

- Source

Conclusion

These much venerated texts certainly contain content that is racially and religiously charged as well as misogynistic and the above is just a miniscule sample of the horrors available to the easily offended. So these texts must also be excised from the public square if we are to avoid hypocrisy as we seek to ban cartoons dealing with issues of race religion or even their relationship to women.  It is likely critics will moan "Oh, you're cherry picking verses" or "you are taking it out of context". Even if this is so, presenting certain Charlie Hebdo Cartoons like the four Boko Haram sex slaves chanting "hands off our allowances" without the context of Marine Le Pen's comments that immigrants were having babies to get welfare benefits is also "taking it out of context". If you want to live in a society where ideas can be censored simply by having them misrepresented, you can, if you will stride into a functionally illiterate society ruled by near total ignorance, resembling  the 7th Century.

The plain fact of the matter is that in the centuries since these texts were written, many have learned to protect people and not ideas, but not everyone has caught up. Even the Pope has talked about giving his good friend a beat down for talking smack about his mother. It may be hard for anyone to hear "your mother is a whore", but if she is getting paid to entertain customers in a bordello, it is a fair call, and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with her chosen profession, and if the person hearing these words is a borderline geriatric virgin in a frock, it about time they grew up and their mother is an impressive woman.  The debate over "offensive" cartoons is a distraction, one that extremist groups would perhaps like to paint as a clash of civilizations, whether this is wholly true is debatable, yes there is a clash of values, and of ideas, but censorship is no way to address these, such calls for censorship are like the calls of the child who says "shut up, stop saying Darth Vader is Luke father, it can't be true." (I knew that child a long time ago, he grew up and wrote this blog). I was recently asked about the anti-Semitic cartoons of the Nazi era. The answer I gave at the was not the best answer to be offered, I spoke out of my preference, which is to not have lies, liable, fabrications publish for the generation of hysteria, however my considered position is essentially "publish and be damned", and damned the Nazis would have been by an incredulous, more sceptical populace such that we see in France today. The Nazi regime was seeking to control it population by emotional manipulation. This is something a sceptic culture would be more immune to, when we examine issues of free expression, we cannot ignore freethought they go hand in hand. Credulity, as we say, is not a virtue and this is where the Nazis "lost it" so enthusiastic were they in anti-Semitic dogma of the church and their "Aryan" pseudo-science that failed to understand the real enemy was fascism and bigotry - left over from WW I and codified in the war reparations.

Let us entertain the notion of perspective. No one is saying satirical cartoons represent truth, meanwhile billions claims these holy books represent truth on a daily basis, with some willing to kill and die for that "truthiness"(sic). Satire is merely a tool to expose truth behind comments and opinions of the day, with many such comment frequently lies in service to ignominious agendas, such exposure serves a vital function. This function is of course despised by authoritarians. Regardless of the historicity of the Bible and the Quran, about which there are some serious questions to be asked, or even of their relative truth value, there are things of greater concern to humanity as a whole. How do we learn to live side by side in a globally connected world? How do we stop neoliberal fascism from extracting the wealth of the many only to be concentrated in the hands of the few(as Oxfam tells us this week, by next year, to world's wealthiest 1% own over half of all wealth). How do we stop poverty acting a recruiting tool for violent extremist ideologies? Not just that followed by Al Qaeda or ISIS, but also Stormfront, US patriot militias, KKK.

Fascination with Voldemort leads to suspicion Harry Potter cast out Dementors.

Stratford upon Thames -- Harry Potter while talking to a visiting mud-blood is suspected of casting a petronis spell to provide protection and may have cast out four dementors responsible for stammering, indecisiveness, anxiety over daisy chains and a moderate case of hay-fever.

New twists Tuesday with a well known defence against the dark arts instructor insisting Harry helped "liberate" a 35 welch man struggling with four dementors Despite the Ministry of Magic's insistence that no such off campus vanquishing took place.

The case concerns a 35-year old husband and father who travelled to Stratford from Wales to attend a memorial service for Dumbledor in the city square. At the end of the service Harry chatted with the mullet wearing comrade as he always does, including a man possessed by Voldemort, according to the wizard brought him, the Enchanted Eric Izenbard.

Harry shook hands with the man and wished him well waving good-bye with a smile. The man heaved deeply a half-dozen times, shook, then slumped with is mullet covering his face.

The images, broadcast world wide, prompted the television of the UK Elder Wizards' conference to declare that according to several wizards, there was "no doubt" that Harry either cast a petronis spell or a simple protection spell to free the man of Voldemort's influence.

The Ministry of Magic was more cautious. In a statement Tuesday, it said Harry "didn't intend to perform any petronis spell. But as he often does for the sick or suffering, he simply intend to well-wish for someone who was suffering who was presented to him."

The Wizard Gabby Aromth, a leading Defence against the Dark Arts Lecturer for Hogwart's said he performed a lengthy Banishment of dementors on the man on the Tuesday morning and ascertained he was possess by four seperate dementors. The case was related to a vote to legalize Marriage equality in London's House of Commons.

Aroth told BBC4, that even a short health points incantation, without the full petronis spell or wand waving being performed, is in itself a type of Vanquishing.

"That was a true vanquishing," he said of Harry's wish. "Vanquishing aren't just done according to the rules of the ritual."

Izenbard, took the Ministry's line, saying it was no petronis but that Harry merely said an encantation to free the man from Voldemort.

"Since no one heard what he said, including the man who was right there, you can say he did and enchantment for freedom and nothing more, " Izenbard wrote on his facebook page, which was confirmed by the his order, The Order of the Phoenix.

Fueling the speculation that Harry did indeed perform a petronis spell is his frequent reference to Voldemort in his conversations with friends - as well as an apparent surge in calls for vanquishings and banishments among mudblood and wizard  families despite the irreverent treatment the rite often receives from JesusCamp.

Who can forget the accusations of Satanism, open hatred and words like "Harry Potter is of the devil".

In his very first address to the House of Commons on March 14, Harry warned executives of the Ministry of Magic, the day after he was elected "he who doesn't respect Dumbledor is working for Voldemort."

He has since mention Voldemort on a handful of occasions, most recently in a May 4 speech when in his morning meeting with the Acton Wizards Conference he spoke of the need for discussion - except with Voldemort.

"With "he who must not be named" you can't have dialog: Let this be clear!" he warned.

Experts said Harry's frequent invocation of Voldemort is a reflection of both his personal history with Voldemort and his association with the Order of The Phoenix, as well as a Ministry of Magic weakened by science and secularization.

"Voldemort's influence and presence in the world seems to fluctuate in quantity and inversely proportionate to the presence of wizard schools" said Wizard Thomas Roome, an ethical magician at Leeds University School of Wizardry. "So one would expect an upwelling in his malicious activity in the wake of de-magicalization and secularization" in the world and a surge in things like Religious fundamentalism, racism and class warfare.

In recent years, London's Magical Universities have hosted several courses for would-be defenders against the Dark Arts. Updated 1998 and contained in a little black/brown leather bound notebook. The incantation is relatively brief, consisting of charms with magic elixirs, spells and an interrogation of Voldemort which the wizard demands to know Voldemort's name, how many are present and when they leave the victim.

Only a wizard authorized by an executive of the Ministry of Magic can perform a vanquishing, and magical law specifies that the vanquisher must be "endowed with kindness, knowledge, prudence and integrity of life."

While belief in Voldemort is consistent with the history of Hogwart's, the Ministry's Executive urge prudence, particularly to ensure that the victim isn't merely psychologically ill.

The Wizard Gus Pasmero, a London based systemic scholar of Magic who has witnessed or participated in more than a dozen banishments, says he's fairly certain Harry's echantment on Sunday was either a full-fledged petronis spell or a more simple charm to free the young man from dark magical possession.

He noted that the placement of Harry's hands in the hands of the man was the "typical position" for a vanquisher to use.

"When you witness something like that -- for me it was shocking -- I could feel the power of magic," he said in a phone interview, speaking of his own previous experiences.

The Ministry of Magic spokesman, the Wizardly Fred Lamborgini, sought to temper speculation that what occured was a full-fledged petronis spell. While he didn't deny it outright -- he said Harry hadn't "intended" to perform one - he stressed that the intention of the person asking is quite important.

Late Tuesday, the director of BBC 2000, the television of the UK Elder Wizards' conference, went on air to apologize for the earlier report.

"I don't want to attribute to him a gesture that he didn't intend to perform." Said Witch Dina Buffulo.

That said, Harry's actions and attitude toward Voldemort are not new: As a final year student at Hogwart's, Harry frequently spoke of Voldemort's presence in our midst.

In the book "Spirit realm and Earthly realm", Potter devoted the second chapter to "He who shall not be named" and in no uncertain terms that he knows Voldemort and that his goals are "destruction, division, hatred and calamity."

"Perhaps its greatest success in these times has been to make us think that it doesn't exist, that everything can be traced to a purely magical plan," he wrote.

London News papers noted that the Late Dumbledor had performed a vanquishing in 1982 -- near the same spot where Harry charmed over the mullet wearing man on Sunday.


See also Pontiff pats Mexican on head.

'Atheists and humanists are the most discriminated groups in the country'

The religiously unaffiliated in the US is the fastest growing segment in the US and already number 20%.
Many see the lies, scaremongering, social manipulation, moral hypocrisy, and money hungry preachers and are repulsed.

Even though some US studies put atheists in a position of being less trusted than sex offenders, the religious right is organised and holds veto power of one of the two major political parties in the US. It's somewhat bizarre, because at the same time they respect Brad Pitts' work in Katrina recovery, George Clooney's ambassadorial works for human rights and are big fans of Daniel Radcliffe and Ian McKellan, not to mention the huge support for the Star Trek franchise - created by atheist Gene Roddenbury. Gene, Leonard Nimoy (raised in Jewish tradition) and two others wrote the Undiscovered Country after his acceptance of the atheist position. The script has Captain Kirk asking "What does God need of a star ship?". This is a parody of a Christian parable.


In New Zealand, the religiously unaffiliated number about 35%, but we have a similar problem to the US; as we have not yet organized a potent political force to counter the regressive politics of rightwing religious fundamentalists. It is time for secular people in America, New Zealand and elsewhere to organise. Todd Stiefel is doing his part and helped organise the Reason Rally 2012 that brought 20-30,000 secular people together on the Washington Mall. America's secular voters wielded surprising power in last year's presidential vote.

Here in New Zealand, The New Zealand Association of Rationalists and Humanists and the Humanist Society of New Zealand are working at the vanguard of bringing together secular New Zealanders. Recently, these groups worked together to bring a series of public seminars highlighting the encroachment of religious fundamentalism in our public schools. New Zealand prides itself on being an inclusive society. Religious fundamentalism is often unabashedly exclusive; this is an anathema to our Kiwi values. The failed push back for marriage equality is just one example, the vast majority of the opposition to Louisa Wall's bill was from religious groups. Too often, they offered vile arguments, scaremongering with predictions of criminal behaviour, and in at least one case blamed the drought on the discussions and push for marriage equality.

It may seem easy to dismiss these ludicrous contributions to the debate as just the product of the minds of random cranks, but the fact is they are not. The fact is too many unsceptical minds accept these assertions without question. Note that today the Bob McCroskrie's facebook group Protect Marriage NZ has over 7800 likes and sometimes posting material from the American Family Association which is listed by the Southern Poverty Law Centre as a hate group. Here is a sample from Bob himself:

When I checked today, I did not see any posts on that page by anyone other than "Protect Marriage NZ", primarily shares of statuses and blogposts by Bob McCroskrie. It sort of looks like the modern equivalent of the 1970's kook with a mimeograph in the basement. Though that appearance may be administrative because overtime an intolerance of tolerance grew in the way they handled dissenting posts.

Such intolerance of dissenting opinion is common among primarily fundamentalist groups. It seems they habitually take demonstrably wrong positions and can't stand their ideas being shown up as unsupported by anything more than sky hooks, or that the ideas they are pushing are flat out counterfactual. It creates an echo chamber effect which was so clearly demonstrated in the genuine shock of the GOP at the last US Presidential election.

Attack of the Kiwi theocrats

With the MMP threshold due to drop to 1% for the 2014 election, expect to see nationalistic theocrats The Conservation Party of New Zealand in Parliament in the next political term.

While their position on marriage equality is a big loser for them, they are organizing. But their relationship to media is somewhat strange with their public relations person at a recent public meeting attempting to act as minder in a fashion not out of place in a Panorama documentary on the Church of Scientology.

They seem to talk up the idea that they are a mainstream organization. The first time I heard that line was in the mid '80s from a Mormon door knocker. And you might still hear it from the Church of Scientology.

While there may be value in "economic nationalism", there are certainly less odious options like the Greens, or Labour who support this position without the tendency to legislate what us Kiwis do with our naughty bits.

While Craig's fans like the supporting the family bit, the fact is the Conservative only support one kind of family: the family of the bronze and iron aged Middle East. This policy alone should lose more than half the vote.

Colin Craig will not have a mandate in parliament; at most, like American politicians, his place in parliament will be bought and paid for with cash.

In the 1970's the Religious right was nowhere in US politics, now the Tea Party has veto power over the Republicans. Also today, the religious right is organizing and posing a threat to New Zealand's secular tradition. We can no longer rely on our secular tradition anymore. As we now have an opportunity to contribute to a written constitution, I feel it is a duty to make a submission to ensure separation of church and state enshrined in this constitution, as it is in the US Constitution's 1st amendment. Because even with that protection, the pressure is on in the US,  with Virginia attempting to get a federal court to uphold sodomy laws and North Carolina attempting to establish a state religion.

The Nation
Make a submission to Our Constitution.