Friday, 21 August 2015

Christians blaspheme His Noodliness for Cthulhu.

When we publish, we use social media to evangelise the community and spread His noodly sauce to the masses of pirates willing to hear his call. "Beer ahoy".
But not all who use the twitterverse, are pirate crew. Historical persecutions of happy noodly monster loving pirates lurk in the dark realm of the interwebs.

So this notification turned up on our twitter feed...

It seemed interesting, but what was the context, part of the context is a mind that describes itself thus in its profile

I think we can all agree, inhumanity is, well, pretty much intolerable. But why privilege "new atheist drivel above any other kind of drivel?
What makes new atheist drivel so much more intolerable than James David Manning's about how semen is the "the cream of the blood", or the his drivel about Synthetic sodomite semen in Starbuck's coffee, or perhaps Bryan Fischer's drivels about Nazis, slavery and Christian persecution in America. Like 70% of any nation can be under the thumb of a group of people who largely don't give a rats --- what they do in private, in their homes or churches.
New atheists are a broad group, drawn from many ethnicities, and more than both sexes, varying perspectives, and in America, they are mostly ex-Christian.

Moving right along, the article linked by "Brandeen" is a amusingly slimy diatribe which before it even tries to get to its real argument plays a little smug game of poison-the-well and strawman beating, first asking the reader to pity proponents of arguments it claims to be addressing.
You have to pity the modern atheist who attempts to present arguments for her cause. Unmoored from any respectable intellectual tradition, each generation is forced to recreate anti-theistic arguments from scratch. The result is that the claims which they believe to be clever and damning often turn out to be—to use a technical philosophical phrase—just plain silly.
Then the author uses a premise that is flat out wrong. The reason we prefer the unintelligent design process over the intelligent designer is that we see evidence for the process, but no evidence for the agency which would have to be a vastly more complex thing than the universe, and reasonably be some what visible in some way to the observations of science. The plausibility of the FSM is key, the mains striking differences between Christianity and Pastafarianism are that Christians hold political power, and have a long history of starting wars, while Pastafarians have never been elected to the white house, and they have never started wars. But because it is claimed to religious faith based conviction is on an equal footing with any other religion, and not to be discounted by the aforementioned striking difference between proponent groups.
Why exactly we are to prefer an unintelligent designer to an intelligent one is one of the questions that remains unanswered. 
Then bait and switch kicks in, note the argument Our prophet Bobby Henderson made in his original letter was that if Kansas were to teach non scientific ideas about creation, equal treatment under the first amendment would mean that ideas other than those pushed by Christians, and the intelligent design lobby at the Discovery Institute would have to be taught. The reductio absurdum seems to be used as a smeer, which is possibly a consequence of a culture having have its bad ideas exposed for their flaws by critics highlighting the absurdities that lie with. But even without mainstream pastafarianism beating out  fringe religions like Christianity, There is still Islam's exploding walnut theory of creation, Scientology's Xenu intergalactic overlord, the Australian aboriginal Dreamtime, and the great sky tortoise theory, all of which are equally plausable as sky god speaking a universe into existence that turns out to be vastly more complex than the authors of the story appeared to be capable of imagining.
Take for example, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. According to Wikipedia, The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the deity of a parody religion founded in 2005 by Oregon State University physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson professes belief in a supernatural Creator called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which resembles spaghetti and meatballs. He furthermore calls for the “Pastafarian” theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms, essentially invoking a reductio ad absurdum argument against the teaching of intelligent design. (The FSM has been popularized widely on the web, especially by the otherwise charming folks at BoingBoing .)

Later the article takes text out of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster out of context to construct a strawman. It attempts to seriously consider the noodly string theory as a serious theory put forward to explain the origins of the universe. But in doing so, misses a fundamental point - that the text is satirical by nature and that it should no more be taken as science than the bible, quran, Bagavad Gita, Nacromocon or the seven books of Harry Potter. Thus it is not intended to be compared to any thesis concerning origins.

The article uses the word silly as a pejorative term, which is clearly not the sense which Pastafarians use the word in relation to the Noodly words passed down to Bobby Henderson.

The claim that fine tuning suggests in anyway some intelligence has been around for some time. But the anthropic principle points to any universe not developing a complex configuration would not produce a species capable of having this conversation. It is possible that for some as yet undiscovered reason, the universal constants automatically balance to creating complexity on at least some occasions. An observation that might illustrate this is the electro magnetic force, which balances electric and magnetic fields at 90 degrees(of rotation) to each other. At this point no one is really quite sure how universal constants came to be what they are, but bald assertions that someone's invisible friend is messing with dials is no more salient to science than "Expecto petronum" is a useful method for handling ISIS in a dark alley in down town Tikrit.

Yes the argument is silly, and deliberately so, because the narrative it is designed to illuminate was written by people who did not know where the sun went a night. While their ignorance was profound, it was an honest product of having  preceded empirical study in many fields that our society pretty much relies on. Without quantum physics the electrical grid and the computer itself would not be possible. the Irony that Brandeen uses both to make her case is certainly not lost on many who have seen similar claims in social media.

The article reads like the author watched an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants, thinking they were watching the Discovery channel.

See also
  Original Article The Gospel Coaliton

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Jack Noodle: Cthulhu must not be allowed to have Bangladesh

After four murders of secular bloggers in Bangladesh, and the publication of a list that includes the names of the victims and 80 other bloggers dedicated to a free liberal and secular Bangladeshi society Captain Jack Noodle contacted us to express his concerns over the situation in Bangladesh.
We at Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific are gravely concerned for the safety and welfare of all Bangladesh citizens at this time. Dark and powerful forces are influencing minds and it is leading to callous disregard for life and the perversion of basic moral and ethical principles going back to the first party attended by the primordial midget and the strippers by the beer volcano.
Neloy Neel was found earlier this month, tortured and decapitated in his home.  This could have been prevented. And it is not like he didn't try, he did seek assistance from the local police who sent him home with a firm commitment to ignore his complaint.
Even after Neloy's body was found, Bangladesh's most senior police officer suggested the whole problem could be solved if the bloggers stop publishing crazy ideas like Cthulhu should not control Bangladeshi politics, "Really that's insane of course that is going to upset minions of the Great Old One, the Destroyer of Worlds. If Cthulhu intends to destroy the world who are these bloggers to question his psychosis?"
The secular Blogger's have noted that Cthulhu is channelling his influence through Saudi Arabia, both financial and support of Salami causes within Bangladesh. Despite a clear secular constitution, deference to Cthulhu's mind bending dogmas pervade the workings of government and the justice system. There are warnings that Bangladesh could be as highly controlled by Cthulhu as Pakistan in a few decades.
Secular bloggers in Bangladesh are attempting to do nothing more radical than maintain the freedoms enjoyed by Bangladeshi people by asking questions about the methods and extent of Cthulhu's influence in Bangladeshi life. Freedom which Cthulhu is apparently focused on destroying. 
While His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sauce be upon him) concentrates his efforts on holding the universe together against centrifugal force. We Pirates must stand firm against Cthulhu's reality destroying ways. Shiver me timbers. Ramen.
We contacted minions within Cthulhu's organisation off the record they claimed their support of Salami's in Bangladesh was primarily for humanitarian purposes only, examples offered included song sheets with titles including "death to the infidel" and "behead those who say Coldcuts is violent" or boosting morale, we were shown a shipment of machetes, which they claimed were simple ornamental wall hanging decorations. We asked about the beheading of Neloy Neel. they replied:
We love soccer, you may have heard this. Neloy, a very fun guy asked if he could join us in a game. Then, we realised we'd lost our ball. We worked out how to solve our plight, and sure Neloy was reluctant, but it wasn't long before his objections faded as we began our efforts to provide a solution and get going. We were disappointed he didn't put more effort in, most he just lay there.

We put this to Captain Jack Noodle. He looked visibly ill, when we played him the recording of the above response.
This is very disturbing. Only a very few hard drugs and Cthulhu can get people that detached from their inner midget. This is a level of depravity not seen since Cthulhu controlled Nuns ran laundries in Ireland.  Our FSM(SBUH), loves us, sure he's drunk, but not a mean drunk, and he wants every one to play nice and really think things through. Clearly, those Salami are not the brightest, but even so, why not just put some effort into finding the old ball or buy a new one. 

See Also
 BBC - Bangladesh Blogger killings: Police Arrest Three people

[Ed - All jokes aside, this tragedy should not be ignored. Bangladesh's bloggers are a brave community engaged in the kind of political criticism and analysis we take for granted in progressive liberal democracies, a right for which they have paid for with their lives and received credible death threats. There is no expressing the horror with which these murders are carried out on this blog simply because words fail and the images are too gruesome. For those who question the statement the "religion perverts morality", this is a clear demonstration of what is meant by that statement. Violence is not a rebuttal, and never an acceptable contrarian counter point, but it is an admission that the argument is lost. Fascism is death to good conscience. While Neloy was an atheist, other secular bloggers are Muslims, and Hindus - the question they raise are important any society and must be asked. Will some claim offence is being caused, the the reality those claims come from people in fear of loss of privilege or a potential loss of a path to power. Nothing to do with happy clappy self delusion or relationships with invisible friends. ]

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Abbott Goverment to be fired twice

Credit: Bill Leak - New Matilda
Cthulhu just can't seem to catch a break. From the collapse of the Trans-Pacific Partnership talks, to 15,000 New Zealand protesters taking to the streets in opposition to the non trade free trade deal.

Now the Australian subsidiary, the National Liberal Party led by Tony Abbot is expected to completely fail to win over voters at the next national election.

Mystery surrounds the expected forthcoming election result, senior minions exclaiming "How could this happen?!". Rumour has it Cthulhu is looking replace the Abbott government, his net is cast wide, and a line of killer robots has  yet to be ruled out.

Wild and irrational speculation abounds. Some say voters liked having energy systems that fail to destabilized the climate or pollute local natural environments. While others trot out pet theories that maintaining health services, education, and sustainable energy research remain favoured policies for many Australians. One of the most ludicrous ideas out there is the idea that Australian authorities shouldn't be torturing or raping refugee's in off-shore concentration camp's.

Clearly, the real cause is that Australians are so overwhelmed by smoke and heat stroke from the annual wild fire season that they now don't know what they are saying or doing, they now are regularly seen going on deluded rants about caring for vulnerable people - especially the brown ones, protecting fragile environments, and creating a sustainable Australian economy. This is clearly an unforeseen complication. The mind bending techniques of Cthulhu seem to be subject to interference from the hot weather.

According to technical experts in the field, the hypothesis of warmer climates or other extreme weather events interfering with Cthulhu's mind bending techniques has merit and is under active investigation.

According to Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific "Aye, His Noodliness, in his gospel talks of encouraging everyone to wear pirate regalia by warming the Galleon Earth, but perhaps it is also to keep minds clear of Cthulhu's mind bending trickery. Even drunk he has good ideas, sometimes."

See also
   New Poll: Liberal party destined for 36 seat wipeout - Stuff

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Thousands Protest TPPA, Cthulhu's office minions hide under desks.

When an ancient monster of the deep doesn't get things going their way, things tend to get ugly. As evidenced after Cthulhu's return from Wellington to supervise John Key as he addressed a crowd of thousands critical of the Trans-Pacific Partnership.

The whole affair went so badly Cthulhu had to pretend he was one of the protesters, just to not complicate the already huge mess his plan for economic and social devastation had become. Needless to say, his mood is considerably darker, than our last report. There is speculation of a Rick Astley revival tour, because this has escalated beyond a Justin Bieber concert level event.

Despite failing to win over the crowd on the Trans-Pacific partnership, John Key did manage to entertain the throng with dancing, air guitar and pony tail pulling.

At the end of the protest, dancing broke out behind him. Minions manoeuvred to squash the fun, but could only hold it to the base of the steps of Parliament.

Cthulhu hides in crowd to avoid "complicating" the destruction of reality.

Huge crowd at impromptu protest after the protest.

Extra speeches enthusiastically welcomed, but not from Minion John Key.

The protest finished some time ago, almost everyone is still here
It seems Cthulhu may be worried that if enough people know how bad this deal is, it may well fail and new plans will have to be developed to bring on the destruction of the great Galleon Earth.

Meanwhile, his suspicions have been confirmed, and what little has been leaked about the Trans-Pacific Partnership is devastatingly powerful, and his great mind bending powers may not be enough to turn public opinion around.

Worst still, the minions in charge of the project are engaged in infighting with some plotting to barbecue Tim Groser on a spit.

One minion said "I wouldn't call it utter chaos, but it is complete bedlam around here."

Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, had this to say "Aye, This be interesting, the deal be straining under the weight of its own stupidity. Complete dissonant collapse be imminent... Stand back, put on yer goggles and hazmat suit, this is going to get rough! Arr 'tis better it implode before it matures to a working derangement. His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, will, find some comfort in this news. We may yet clear the foul winds of the Trans-Pacific Purgatory."

Update 12 Apr 2016 Thanks to Karin G for her fine work administering "John Key leave New Zealand be" on facebook.

See Also
   3News - Thousands protest against the TPPA Deal

Impertinent Kiwi's stand up to TPPA, Cthulhu "grumpy"

Today thousands of New Zealanders will take to  the streets and some will march on Parliament to voice their opposition to the Trans-Pacific partnership, this follows a week of action including rallies around the country.

The majority of New Zealanders, while keen on trade, see the Trans-Pacific partnership as a bad deal for New Zealand jobs, trade and sovereignty. The Trans-Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership, a similar agreement centred on the US and Europe, has stall over similar concerns, particularly over concerns around national and regional sovereignty.

The TPPA has opposition from primary producers, auto makers, and manufacturing firms because of concerns of market access, and intellectual property.

Still, Tim Groser and John Key seem pretty excited by the prospect of  a deal being made, rather like a moth to a bug zapper.

It has not been a good month for the TPPA, and Cthulhu has been disturbed by recent developments, His mood has not improved with news of popular uprising against his terrible power. Sources close to Cthulhu said "All morning he's been muttering, very little that is intelligible, but every now and then 'impertinent monkeys' is voiced clearly. And he's cleared his appointments for the rest of the day." 

Observers, say this could be a sign he's planning something big, natural disasters cannot be discounted. Remember Christchurch? That was because the National Front failed to get any political representation. Expect much worse if the TPPA fails. At this point, a Justin Bieber concert is not inconceivable.

We asked Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific for comment.
 "Aye, We pirate crew stand for creativity happiness and harmlessness, the cut of Cthulhu's gib catches no fair winds, so we stand to navigate from foul air. towards the beer volcano and merrymaking. His Noodliness,  The Flying Spaghetti Monster, sauce be upon him, is concerned that the Trans-Pacific Partnership has developed this far, and suggest we steer clear of its fouled air, in case it fails to collapse under the weight of its own stupidity. Ramen!" 

Friday, 14 August 2015

Representative Democracy: The Work of Cthulhu

Liberal Democracy is perhaps the most congruent style of government for a progressive society. But how is it that in progressive societies, like Canada, the United States, New Zealand, UK or Australia get policies so at odds with methods that have demonstrated advantages over what is being offered by the present government's of these countries?

Perhaps the secret to this problem lies in the style of these governments. Representative democracy promises that parties represent the will of a nations people, and since everyone wants and even expects their will to be represented it certainly sounds good. But where do these parties get advice on the will of the people? Mostly from special interest groups, whose representations of the the people's may be quite selective at best, or otherwise distorted. 

In any event, the parties form their policies good and bad and offer them up as promises to the voting public. This presents the public with a complicated decision, boiling down and balancing long and short term advantages and disadvantages to a choice between two our six parties or candidates depending on the particular electoral system.

Often strong support for a particular policy direction is almost completely ignored by this calculation. Climate Change/energy policy for example was lost in a media frenzy focused on slamming the Australian Labour Party, leading to the most right wing government  that Australia has seen in the best part of a century.  Similarly climate change/energy policy in New Zealand is going backwards with the government sand bagging real progress with weak targets, and the crippling of the emissions trading scheme. All despite the prime minister's assertions that "we are 100% pure", ignoring the Cadmium in the farm land and the Nitrogen in the fresh water ways.

One big problem in New Zealand is child poverty with 1 in 4 children in poverty. The breakfast in schools programme was squeezed out as a public/private partnership that scale to address just 10% of children in need. This is not how tithing is supposed to work.

So the voter is rarely presented with a clear choice from which to choose clear policy directions.

Participatory democracy, or issue driven democracy, reduces the confusion by unbundling irrelevant policy directions from each other.  Why should we accept weaker pollution standards because we want to allow gay people to marry? We shouldn't it is a clear non sequitur and yet as voters we are regularly offered such false choices.

Switzerland offers an interesting example of how issue driven public policy making can work. The Swiss vote for people to work in various issues, and they vote on the work product, economic policy is considered separately from social policy, which in turn is considered separately from environment policy and labour policy. Leaving the voter to tie the threads together.  Over time this has led to better public policy and a more politically aware population. Sure policy mistakes will happen, but these are also corrected by the same process.

Meanwhile in representative democracy problems are only fixed when the wealthy and powerful lobby government or mass popular movements push for change. Here is where we find Cthulhu's tentacle, you will notice that governments respond to lobbyists backed by money much faster than popular mass movements. Lobbyists and the moneyed interests they represent care little for the good order of the system, only for what they can get out of it. Good order of the system is only of concern when the system breaks down and they are less able to exploit it. Thus Cthulhu is served by keeping the system on the brink of collapse.

So we see deregulation of building, extraction,  finance and other sectors; weakening of social safety net programmes at the same time electoral hopefuls promise jobs  and prosperity if only they are elected to remove trade barriers and regulations designed to prevent the system from collapsing eg Glass-Steagal which kept American banks from breaking Wall Street and the broader economy for 80 years.

In representative democracy, a special interest group only has to capture the ear of maybe a few dozen influential politicians in a major political party to get their will expressed in public policy, if not in the current electoral term then in a later one - these SIGs can be patient. But in participatory democracy, SIGs have to make their case to the people in order to gain votes in the referenda. This process is harder to corrupt, which is why Cthulhu, Wall Street, Walmart(US), and Koch Industries(US), Fletcher Building(NZ), Fonterra(NZ), Affco(NZ), Ports of Auckland,  do not like it. 

His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster (sauce be upon him) prefers participatory democracy, because it allows for communities to develop strong solutions to the issues they face, and hijacking of the process is less effective.  It is also less of and insult to the intelligence of the voting public.  Sadly representative democracy has devolved into oligarchy, To fix it will require a political revolution, which the oligarchs will not embrace, they will certainly distract us with nonsense wedge issues and shiny new things where they can, and simply dismiss the idea as absurd if forced to address it. We can develop a mass movement, right? They let us  have that option.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

The State of Ragna Rok Address: The Cthulhu interview.

With so much happening around the world and only a small fraction coming to light in mainstream news media, we thought it was time to talk to perhaps the modern day news maker of all time, The Great old one, Cthulhu.

T: Thank you for allowing us to take this interview and not making our brains explode, and might I say you are looking resplendent in that shroud of green mist.

C: I agreed to this interview because there are important issues to be faced, and some struggle to understand what I am really about, even though they claim to be one with my cause. I want the monkeys to know I am the Great Old One, and that they should tremble before me and my terrible power. That's why I'm letting you live - to pass the message on.

But of course, and thank you for saying so. 

T: Shall we have a look at recent events, we'd like to understand how you see things shaping up?

C: Well, of course the Trans-pacific Partnership imploding ten days ago, was disappointing, it being the flagship  for the economic devastation of 40% of world trade, But the truly cosmocidal mind must keep things in perspective. I still have the Trade in Services Agreement, which will turn public services into a lawless wild west, snake oil, caveat emptor environment, and the Trans-Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership which is set to return Europe to a feudal state not seen since  the 13th century. New Zealand is nicely set up for a craptastic economic tail spin. The oceans are souring, and warming steadily, so there will be nothing left in there but Box Jellyfish.

T: So you'd say that, your comfortable with destroying all life on Earth.

C: Oh, yes. But why stop there. There are many other planets to destroy, many teaming with the diversely grotesque forms of life, kittens sharks lions, dentists, etc, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster allowed to evolve while he was passed-out next to the beer volcano. 

T: So there are other inhabited worlds, that's big news around here?

C: I expect it would be, considering half of your monkey types struggle to understand where the sun goes at night. And that is just one reason why I must end you all. Of course there were more such planets, how do you think I got the reputation for "Destroyer of worlds".

T: Harsh.  You mentioned the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I inferred some tension between you, would you like to expand on that?

C: It is the natural order of things. This applies to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his smug creativity, his glib happiness. They are repulsive, it is a natural law, do you not understand why people kick down sand castles?

T: In New Zealand, the Government just enacted a new Blasphemy Law, some are saying it is the harshest law of it type in the developed world.

C: This is quite an achievement. Those bloody minded Kiwis have been mocking me and my important work for years it is time my minions put a stop to this disrespect. I will not tolerate resistance to the destruction of the egalitarian society for which they stand. That's why I seeded the Chicago School of economics with my neoliberal doctrine of economic disaster in ten easy steps. I'm also happy to see the brutal murder of another secular blogger in Bangladesh. These peons keep pointing out everything nasty misanthropic act or idea my minions do or adhere to in my service.

T: Ten easy Steps?

C: 1: Blame the poor for poverty - it is always your fault other people won't share with you; 2 blame workers for weak foreign exchange - it is always your fault foreign buyers without strong economies won't buy your stuff so make more stuff they can't buy; 3: blame random minorities for random natural disasters - because the plate tectonics and the weather are heavily influenced by the sexual and political activities of people who have next to no influence on the rest of their species; 4: Gamble in high risk investments and options to suck demand out of the productive economy ;5: Raid reserve banks to protect gamblers and thieves in the finance industry for they are the most loyal minions; 6: poison everything, land, sea, air; 7:Allow complete buffoons to pretend to be experts, I particularly like the work of Kent Hovind, Zakir Nyak, and John Key - my minions made him a prime minister; 8:never prosecute the worst crimes - Jamie Dimon, GW Bush, Dick Chaney, the Saudis have industrialized its criminal behaviour they advertise for people to come and decapitate those who offend me, they give me a beautiful cold feeling; 9:Destroy education, the most dangerous thing in the universe is the curious mind, this cosmos would be gone already if not for education; 10: tell everyone steps 1-9 are for their own benefit.

T: You could simply demolish the planet, with a massive asteroid, why so much detailed and intricate manipulation?

C: Sure, I definitely could, but this particular planet is of special interest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want him to squirm over this one as I kill it before demolishing it.  Fox News really gives him a rash. It is one of my favourite mind bending tools. I smiled for a straight week when they won the legal right to lie to their audience. If I get this right the rest of the universe should just evaporate.

T: Won't you then evaporate with the universe?

C: I haven't got time to consider every little detail now, destroying a universe and reality itself is demanding work. I'll sort that out when I get to it.

T: Doesn't that seem a little rash?

C: I am Cthulhu - The Great Old One and Destroyer of worlds, I have a  reputation to maintain, I can't go worrying about all the little maybe's or I'll never get anything undone. The monkeys like you, are disgustingly creative, goody goody, and exhibit jaw dropping ignorance. Few of you even know my name, and many have convinced themselves that I love them. Some even think I'll do their bidding, if they'll just grovel to me, like I even want to look after them or even help them find their keys. It's like they don't even know me at all. Despite that, and well in fact because of that some of you monkeys are rather to easy to control. Some of  my most useful monkey minions have minds so weak, I have to be careful not to make their heads explode like an over ripe cantaloupe with a stray thought, about, let's say double entry accounting or the last five digits of Pi.

T: Can you name any names for these weak minds?

C: Of course I can, I am Cthulhu. Bryan Fischer, James David Manning, Bill O'Reilly, Alex Jones (his mind is so weak it may explode under its own internal pressures), Sarah Palin, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Scott Lively, those I mentioned earlier and many more. There is a problem with Scott Lively, some of you monkeys are on to him, and may prosecute him for crimes against your species. A quaint tradition in your culture I guess, not that it will matter when I atomize your planet. I thought it was ingenious how he got so many of your kind obsessed with others eating poop that they don't actually eat - a remarkable piece of mind bending there and he didn't even use telepathy, just a dry-erase marker.

T: We  will wrap up now, do you have any words for the future?

C: There won't be one. Now run along, I have the end of all things to plan and prepare for.

We contacted Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, below is his response:

Aye this be very telling. You can see right into the deep arrogance from the great beast of the deep. His ultimate goal to destroy the universe of which he is a apart will only serve to destroy him, like the universe he seeks to destroy he will also fade away and fall apart. His Noodliness has tried to reason with him, but Cthulhu's own prejudice against His Noodliness makes communication well nigh on impossible. His Noodliness is busy too, holding the universe together by the pressure of his noodly appendages is a very difficult task, one which is complicated Cthulhu's deliberate sabotage. Cthulhu while interesting in is own way, also brings great concern to his noodliness, as much as a monster can be concerned while hanging out near a beer volcano.

It must be said this was a very difficult interview, everything about Cthulhu seemed menacing, even the way the condensed mist dripped from the ceiling seemed to scream "go boil your head". The travel costs were inconceivable, there are reports from the accounts department of a rash of head explosions since I filed my expense report. The cleaners are asking time-and-a-half to do the accounts floor.

Love him or hate him, his power must be respected. His Noodliness often suggests we deal with our own issues and the issues of our world, but how do we deal with such a belligerent force that has clearly woven its influence deep into our affairs?

I was particularly disturbed by his veritable glee over the murder of Neloy Neel, one of 84 secular bloggers targeted by Islamist groups in Bangladesh. While the country is notionally, and to some extent constitutionally secular, it government leans of favour of Islam, to the extent that it quietly pardon war criminals, and overlooks these murders.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Fed court: Idaho Perverts loose right to privacy b/c the constitution.

Daisy D Heffer, seeks justice after "humiliating"
rape on floor of company that promised to
"get a good price" for her.
Perverts  that get a kick out of punching, kicking, raping and stabbing animals to add spice to their day jobs in the Idaho agricultural industry can now look forward to their antics becoming the chosen spectator sport of animal rights groups, consumer groups, civil liberties groups, state and federal courts.
Media experts say this will open up a whole new field in reality entertainment in which  audiences can decide the fates of abusive psychopaths, and amoral sociopaths who profit from flooding the food supply chain with salmonella, listeria, Clostridium botulinum, and rotavirus.

Meanwhile the agricultural industry is drawing on pop culture to make its legal arguments. Citing stories of
waring tribes using crop destruction in order to starve out their enemy. Being the sort to dot the i's and cross the t's they of course use the obligatory explicit reference to "terrorism" because telling everyone about the crazy perverted and dangerous shit you do is exactly the same as throwing fire bombs into a sleeping baby's bedroom.

However Judge
B Lynn Winmill was not having it, Clearly not a fan of 300, he decided to go with more creative argument centring on free expression and the first amendment of the US Constitution. Particularly, he highlighted, that enforced silence is no answer to the problems raised by covert video of industry members shagging cattle, these problems should be address by more speech, meaning the industry should explain why bestiality isn't really a problem, even though Daisy was unable to give consent.

Daisy is hoping to tell her story on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, in an episode to air sometime in September. It is understood her lawyers are "exploring options" with a view to filing criminal rape charges against staff in an Idaho industrial Meat packing facility.  They admit the case is complicated by the development that Daisy has become and assortment of Rib-eye Steaks, Schnitzel, burger patties, soup bones, Leg roasts, stewing steaks, and several varieties of pet food and chicken feed.

Naturally, animal rights and consumer advocates are hailing the decision saying "we can do better for the animals in our supply chain, this
clears the way for them to get their own entertainment and literary agents." and "This is a win for the consumer, we all have the right to know what is and who has been in our food".

Political Analysts have noted that the Ag-gag law only got as far as it did, because money is speech, corporations are people and documenting miscreant behaviour of incorporated people is an offence to the almighty dollar and the plutocracy for which it stands - a privilege reserved only for people conceived in the blessed womb of legal fiction and nursed on the milk of oligarchy.

Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, noted "Aye, Ship's quatermasters keep a close eye the rations, and this be good for ensuring ship shape supplies. But it begs the question, How do Bryan Fischer - American Family Association[Youtube] and James David Manning - Atlah Church, New York [Youtube] continue to remain oblivious to this issue, even though they spend quite a lot of energy on perversion related matters - especially sexual perversions?"

See also
   Judge overturns Idaho's 'ag gag' law in victory for animal rights campaigners - The Guardian

  Mercy for Animals released covert video of Idaho livestock sexual  abuse

Sunday, 2 August 2015

TPPA Maui Ministerial mauling leaves Cthulhu "really bummed"

The final meeting of trade ministers from countries negotiating the Trans-Pacific Partnership concluded without reaching consensus, the final sticking point being access to markets for dairy producers and auto makers, among New Zealand, Japan, and North America
Pacific Rim trade ministers have failed to clinch a deal to free up trade between a dozen nations after a dispute flared between Japan and North America over autos, New Zealand dug in over dairy trade and no agreement was reached on monopoly periods for next-generation drugs.
Cthulhu has been disheartened by public resistance and the intransigent efforts of people who insist on explaining the consequences of the Trans-Pacific Partnership to the public at large, and rightwing media brown-nosers.
While the ministerial delegations have taken to blaming each other, the effect of popular criticism of Cthulhu's flagship plan for economy and political devastation of also half of the worlds economy cannot be denied.

A unnamed minion close to Cthulhu remarked off the record "It's a real blow, this was supposed to be an easy way to make the monkeys to most of work for us cephalopoids, which is the normal order of things. Destroying this world should have been a doddle. He's very upset, some might say 'really bummed' right now. We're trying to console him, there is reason to be hopeful, the oceans are souring and warming at a steady pace, the atmosphere is destabilizing quite nicely with CO2 levels above 400ppm, so the droughts and floods are creating quite a bit of devastation. His reputation as Cthulhu the Destroyer of Worlds is safe, we think. But these set backs weigh on him a bit."

"All is not lost. The Trade in Services Agreement is still a work in progress, and public sector assets will eventually come under our control, so these pesky popular criticisms will be come irrelevant, if they don't do what we want, we'll just starve them out."

"Of course, keeping the terms of the Trans-Pacific Partnership secret, has been an important part of the strategy, Stupid as the monkeys are, even they won't endorse a plan to simply off themselves, or at least be fitted with a brain stem collar for complete obedience to Cthulhu. Some have even tried to get the secrecy lifted[Live News]. It is almost like they are are on to us, though our research tells us it is just the natural predictable irrationality of the monkeys at work here. As fellow minion Tim Groser said, they are "politically irrelevant". It is true that mistakes were made and the monkeys found out what we were up to in health care, Intellectual property, and investment, after that it was never going to be easy."

Spokes Pirate for Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, Captain Jack Noodle says, "Aye, this be cause for celebration! The Trans-Pacific Partnership was brewed from Gollum spells, psychic surgery, animal sacrifice,  homoeopathy and free-market dogmatism. No significant benefits from it could be demonstrated, it is best that it fail now, rather than at a time when people have to live with its consequences."