Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Bad Day: Stephen Harper is not alone

Seriously not happy
As Canada celebrates the ascension of its new Liberal led government and congratulates their new Prime-minister, Justin Trudeau, son of Pierre, yes that one - not everyone is celebrating.

Former Primeminister of 10 years, Stephen Harper, now scourers the situations vacant pages, It seems, his backup career as a rock musician has fallen through.

As for Justin, he has wasted no time and has already presented a plan to protect the oceans off Canada's coastline which is considerably longer than it was the last time the Liberal Party was in power, due in large part to the activities of Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Trans-Canada and others all at the behest of Cthulhu and facilitated by loyal minion Stephen Harper.

Needless to say, the mood in the caverns of the great deep are particularly hostile today, It is reported through back channels that several minions accidentally exploded as Cthulhu's mind-bending powers overloaded their brains during interrogations as part of the investigation into the causes of the loss of positioning of Canada's top minion. Janitor minions have been kept busy for most of the morning.

The cephalopod administration had believed Canada was "well in hand". Native communities were "well marginalized", Tar sands extraction operations were toxifying water resources and arable land very successfully, "we were having a good, run, we even gagged the scientists that tried to point out how we were succeeding."

"But at least we still have California, it is in severe drought, and Nestle is doing a marvellous job of stealing water through their bottled water operations. Though Governor Brown is a real concern, with his intention to make California's energy system run entirely on renewable sources.  Things were better when people got concussion walking into the California smog, we'd rather return to that, but we are having trouble finding a replacement for Ronald Reagan - former actors with Alzheimer's and a desire to distract from real political power are really thin on the ground."

Having failed Cthulhu, Stephen has chosen to leave the ranks of minions, Is it out of fear of the great old one's oncoming piqued ire, we cannot be sure without a clear statement, and former minions are notoriously tight lipped about their motivations, it is part of the fabric that makes them effective in cosmocidal enterprises.

We invited Captain Jack Noodle to comment. "Let's be havin' ya, I'm here for the spaghetti, It time to party, we can rebuild Canada for pirates of all kinds to live happy and free in a huge crew dedicate to fare sailing spaceship  Earth to home port by the beer volcano. We may not send minions to the brig, but it sure good to get them out of the wheel house. Arrgh, yee."

Clearly their is a celebratory mood in Canada, and high hopes for minionless or at least minion-reduced governance. Clearly mood is changing in territories held by minions for the glory of Cthulhu, surely Cthulhu must be concerned by what they may be doing wrong, and why large populations don't see or accept his vision of dead universe, or even just obey his will to avoid pissing him off.

See more
   The Guardian - How Science helped swing the Canadian Election.

Monday, 14 September 2015

Mendacious mind-bending minions maniplate wikI for wooky eating billionaires

Daily Kos and Ring of Fire Radio are reporting attempts by leading minions of Cthulhu to manipulate Wikipedia pages concerning David and Charles Koch and Koch Industries in order to hide the less savoury parts of their history.

One can understand why Charles Koch would be uncomfortable with the story about how one of his high pressure gas lines immolated a couple of teenagers who's mistake was trying to report the gas leak. Numerous other safety violations, including connections to the Freedom Industries coal ash spill in West Virginia.

There are many names by which the  Koch's wiki activities are known, There whitewashing, vandalism, fraud, and the dark foreboding of a cosmocidal cephlopod with pathological narcissistic delusions and compulsive control behaviours. But, we'll get to Cthulhu later.

Meanwhile Kim Davis, is released from custody. Mike Huckabee is flogging her case for all the political capital it is worth, Or perhaps is just high, It is hard to tell. Saying "God appeared in the form of and elected democrat named Kim Davis." Which a truly remarkable feat, because at last report God was passed out under a mess table 300 metres from the beer volcano, and the serving wench he was snogging got bored and went dancing with the new guy, Leonard Nimoy. We checked, God is reportedly still under the table, hugging a table cloth like it is hugging him back. It is reported by (slightly tipsy) authorities, that he still experiences trauma from realizing that he's not in control of everything but "that he is working through it".  Eventually they hope to "help Cthulhu embark on a similar journey of self discovery".

Kim Davis, despite citing the authority of her god clearly has not been paying attention to the words supposedly attributed to it in Romans.
13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
13:9 For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
The Jesus character endorses Mosaic law in Mathew 5:17-18, So, under biblical law, Kim Davis with her four marriages is liable to stoning for adultery. And that's before having kids with husband #3 while married to husband #1. Husband #4 is of course a real snappy dresser ready for any occasion, especially a photo op with a sitting congressman. 

All of this theatre is of course arranged by Cthulhu to confuse the unwary into thinking stupidity is smart destruction is creative, and Justin Beiber is here to save the planet from evil reptile overlords.

Tony Abbott even played his part by offering 12,000 beds in concentration camps and factory rape processing lines to Syrian Refugees heading to Europe.

All in all, this is a fine display dystopian theatre put on to hide the next phase of Cthulhu's plan to destroy the world, green coffee bean enemas.
The role of the Kochs in this scheme is unclear, but it is thought they have been promised dibbs on any wookies found in the bottom of the Canadian tar sands pits. So, Keystone XL is really important to them.  Also note Drilling rigs are headed to arctic waters to find the lost wedding ring of CEO Ben van Beurden, keep it quiet his wife doesn't know yet.

See Also
   Koch's implicated in multi year white washing scandal

   Tony Abbott says Australia will accept 12000 more refugees

Thursday, 10 September 2015

Say no to hot housing.

A little over a week a ago, a house fire ravaged the home of 5 people killing 2 and putting 3 in hospital. Firefighters found smoke alarms in boxes in a cupboard.

A discussion led to a friend pointing out that some dwellings have only one safe exit. Bad news if the seat of a fire blocks the path to that exit.  While electric water heater fires are rare, they can happen I once live in an apparent where the water heater was next the apartment's one exit.

The thinking behind such an arrangement is that a concrete building is fire proof and smoke the main cause of death. If you can't escape the smoke because the exit is blocked you're screwed.

This arrangement is clearly the design product of Cthulhu. It's almost like someone is trying to creatively engineer terrible accidents so they go all Bart Simpson and deny responsibility while eliminating a "useless" or "hopeless" segment of the population. That is very unlikely, but perhaps it is a case that some just don't give a monkeys toss.

There are of course unanswered questions about the house fire, why were the smoke alarms in the cupboard and not in service? It is likely the residents were on low incomes, and preferred to buy food rather than spend upwards of $5 on a battery. After all people need to eat daily, house fires are rare. Alarms beep when the battery is low, this can be annoying and frustrating. Low income families may not keep a supply of thing they don't need regularly, Hope to buy the batteries next week, but eventually the priority just slips away, as it can for any task given to anyone.

As a society we ask people to give up "luxuries" or "privileges" to reduce costs and "live within their means" but if the costs rise as a function of inflation, but the means do not, at some point it is not just the "luxuries" that get cut it is the essentials, doctors visits, food. While some utility and food inflation  has reversed in New Zealand, housing costs have continued to rise at an average of 3.9%p.a over much of the last decade. Even in Wellington, which is not subject to Cthulhu's mind bending market manipulation in Auckland.

People on fixed incomes, while adjusted for the Cost Price Index(CPI), take no account for the increasing cost of housing. But even working adults here are getting short changed too. Their real wages have fallen since 1991, by about 25%. While New Zealand GDP rose 80% at the same time. If tomorrow you arrived at work to be asked to work twice as hard, and take a 25% cut in pay, wouldn't you  be pretty pissed? If not, what is wrong with you? Has Cthulhu got your brain in a jar?

They say companies can't afford the living wage, if true, perhaps it is also true that these companies can't afford to be in business. The economic fact is there is good data that supports the living wage as a boon to businesses, and as Henry Ford put it "the best customer is a well paid worker" the living wage makes the vast majority businesses more profitable. So here's to $19.25 for 2015.

See also
   Radio NZ - PN House Investigation Begins

Friday, 21 August 2015

Christians blaspheme His Noodliness for Cthulhu.

When we publish, we use social media to evangelise the community and spread His noodly sauce to the masses of pirates willing to hear his call. "Beer ahoy".
But not all who use the twitterverse, are pirate crew. Historical persecutions of happy noodly monster loving pirates lurk in the dark realm of the interwebs.

So this notification turned up on our twitter feed...

It seemed interesting, but what was the context, part of the context is a mind that describes itself thus in its profile

I think we can all agree, inhumanity is, well, pretty much intolerable. But why privilege "new atheist drivel above any other kind of drivel?
What makes new atheist drivel so much more intolerable than James David Manning's about how semen is the "the cream of the blood", or the his drivel about Synthetic sodomite semen in Starbuck's coffee, or perhaps Bryan Fischer's drivels about Nazis, slavery and Christian persecution in America. Like 70% of any nation can be under the thumb of a group of people who largely don't give a rats --- what they do in private, in their homes or churches.
New atheists are a broad group, drawn from many ethnicities, and more than both sexes, varying perspectives, and in America, they are mostly ex-Christian.

Moving right along, the article linked by "Brandeen" is a amusingly slimy diatribe which before it even tries to get to its real argument plays a little smug game of poison-the-well and strawman beating, first asking the reader to pity proponents of arguments it claims to be addressing.
You have to pity the modern atheist who attempts to present arguments for her cause. Unmoored from any respectable intellectual tradition, each generation is forced to recreate anti-theistic arguments from scratch. The result is that the claims which they believe to be clever and damning often turn out to be—to use a technical philosophical phrase—just plain silly.
Then the author uses a premise that is flat out wrong. The reason we prefer the unintelligent design process over the intelligent designer is that we see evidence for the process, but no evidence for the agency which would have to be a vastly more complex thing than the universe, and reasonably be some what visible in some way to the observations of science. The plausibility of the FSM is key, the mains striking differences between Christianity and Pastafarianism are that Christians hold political power, and have a long history of starting wars, while Pastafarians have never been elected to the white house, and they have never started wars. But because it is claimed to religious faith based conviction is on an equal footing with any other religion, and not to be discounted by the aforementioned striking difference between proponent groups.
Why exactly we are to prefer an unintelligent designer to an intelligent one is one of the questions that remains unanswered. 
Then bait and switch kicks in, note the argument Our prophet Bobby Henderson made in his original letter was that if Kansas were to teach non scientific ideas about creation, equal treatment under the first amendment would mean that ideas other than those pushed by Christians, and the intelligent design lobby at the Discovery Institute would have to be taught. The reductio absurdum seems to be used as a smeer, which is possibly a consequence of a culture having have its bad ideas exposed for their flaws by critics highlighting the absurdities that lie with. But even without mainstream pastafarianism beating out  fringe religions like Christianity, There is still Islam's exploding walnut theory of creation, Scientology's Xenu intergalactic overlord, the Australian aboriginal Dreamtime, and the great sky tortoise theory, all of which are equally plausable as sky god speaking a universe into existence that turns out to be vastly more complex than the authors of the story appeared to be capable of imagining.
Take for example, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. According to Wikipedia, The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the deity of a parody religion founded in 2005 by Oregon State University physics graduate Bobby Henderson to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson professes belief in a supernatural Creator called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which resembles spaghetti and meatballs. He furthermore calls for the “Pastafarian” theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms, essentially invoking a reductio ad absurdum argument against the teaching of intelligent design. (The FSM has been popularized widely on the web, especially by the otherwise charming folks at BoingBoing .)

Later the article takes text out of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster out of context to construct a strawman. It attempts to seriously consider the noodly string theory as a serious theory put forward to explain the origins of the universe. But in doing so, misses a fundamental point - that the text is satirical by nature and that it should no more be taken as science than the bible, quran, Bagavad Gita, Nacromocon or the seven books of Harry Potter. Thus it is not intended to be compared to any thesis concerning origins.

The article uses the word silly as a pejorative term, which is clearly not the sense which Pastafarians use the word in relation to the Noodly words passed down to Bobby Henderson.

The claim that fine tuning suggests in anyway some intelligence has been around for some time. But the anthropic principle points to any universe not developing a complex configuration would not produce a species capable of having this conversation. It is possible that for some as yet undiscovered reason, the universal constants automatically balance to creating complexity on at least some occasions. An observation that might illustrate this is the electro magnetic force, which balances electric and magnetic fields at 90 degrees(of rotation) to each other. At this point no one is really quite sure how universal constants came to be what they are, but bald assertions that someone's invisible friend is messing with dials is no more salient to science than "Expecto petronum" is a useful method for handling ISIS in a dark alley in down town Tikrit.

Yes the argument is silly, and deliberately so, because the narrative it is designed to illuminate was written by people who did not know where the sun went a night. While their ignorance was profound, it was an honest product of having  preceded empirical study in many fields that our society pretty much relies on. Without quantum physics the electrical grid and the computer itself would not be possible. the Irony that Brandeen uses both to make her case is certainly not lost on many who have seen similar claims in social media.

The article reads like the author watched an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants, thinking they were watching the Discovery channel.

See also
  Original Article The Gospel Coaliton

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Jack Noodle: Cthulhu must not be allowed to have Bangladesh

After four murders of secular bloggers in Bangladesh, and the publication of a list that includes the names of the victims and 80 other bloggers dedicated to a free liberal and secular Bangladeshi society Captain Jack Noodle contacted us to express his concerns over the situation in Bangladesh.
We at Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific are gravely concerned for the safety and welfare of all Bangladesh citizens at this time. Dark and powerful forces are influencing minds and it is leading to callous disregard for life and the perversion of basic moral and ethical principles going back to the first party attended by the primordial midget and the strippers by the beer volcano.
Neloy Neel was found earlier this month, tortured and decapitated in his home.  This could have been prevented. And it is not like he didn't try, he did seek assistance from the local police who sent him home with a firm commitment to ignore his complaint.
Even after Neloy's body was found, Bangladesh's most senior police officer suggested the whole problem could be solved if the bloggers stop publishing crazy ideas like Cthulhu should not control Bangladeshi politics, "Really that's insane of course that is going to upset minions of the Great Old One, the Destroyer of Worlds. If Cthulhu intends to destroy the world who are these bloggers to question his psychosis?"
The secular Blogger's have noted that Cthulhu is channelling his influence through Saudi Arabia, both financial and support of Salami causes within Bangladesh. Despite a clear secular constitution, deference to Cthulhu's mind bending dogmas pervade the workings of government and the justice system. There are warnings that Bangladesh could be as highly controlled by Cthulhu as Pakistan in a few decades.
Secular bloggers in Bangladesh are attempting to do nothing more radical than maintain the freedoms enjoyed by Bangladeshi people by asking questions about the methods and extent of Cthulhu's influence in Bangladeshi life. Freedom which Cthulhu is apparently focused on destroying. 
While His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster (sauce be upon him) concentrates his efforts on holding the universe together against centrifugal force. We Pirates must stand firm against Cthulhu's reality destroying ways. Shiver me timbers. Ramen.
We contacted minions within Cthulhu's organisation off the record they claimed their support of Salami's in Bangladesh was primarily for humanitarian purposes only, examples offered included song sheets with titles including "death to the infidel" and "behead those who say Coldcuts is violent" or boosting morale, we were shown a shipment of machetes, which they claimed were simple ornamental wall hanging decorations. We asked about the beheading of Neloy Neel. they replied:
We love soccer, you may have heard this. Neloy, a very fun guy asked if he could join us in a game. Then, we realised we'd lost our ball. We worked out how to solve our plight, and sure Neloy was reluctant, but it wasn't long before his objections faded as we began our efforts to provide a solution and get going. We were disappointed he didn't put more effort in, most he just lay there.

We put this to Captain Jack Noodle. He looked visibly ill, when we played him the recording of the above response.
This is very disturbing. Only a very few hard drugs and Cthulhu can get people that detached from their inner midget. This is a level of depravity not seen since Cthulhu controlled Nuns ran laundries in Ireland.  Our FSM(SBUH), loves us, sure he's drunk, but not a mean drunk, and he wants every one to play nice and really think things through. Clearly, those Salami are not the brightest, but even so, why not just put some effort into finding the old ball or buy a new one. 

See Also
 BBC - Bangladesh Blogger killings: Police Arrest Three people

[Ed - All jokes aside, this tragedy should not be ignored. Bangladesh's bloggers are a brave community engaged in the kind of political criticism and analysis we take for granted in progressive liberal democracies, a right for which they have paid for with their lives and received credible death threats. There is no expressing the horror with which these murders are carried out on this blog simply because words fail and the images are too gruesome. For those who question the statement the "religion perverts morality", this is a clear demonstration of what is meant by that statement. Violence is not a rebuttal, and never an acceptable contrarian counter point, but it is an admission that the argument is lost. Fascism is death to good conscience. While Neloy was an atheist, other secular bloggers are Muslims, and Hindus - the question they raise are important any society and must be asked. Will some claim offence is being caused, the the reality those claims come from people in fear of loss of privilege or a potential loss of a path to power. Nothing to do with happy clappy self delusion or relationships with invisible friends. ]

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Abbott Goverment to be fired twice

Credit: Bill Leak - New Matilda
Cthulhu just can't seem to catch a break. From the collapse of the Trans-Pacific Partnership talks, to 15,000 New Zealand protesters taking to the streets in opposition to the non trade free trade deal.

Now the Australian subsidiary, the National Liberal Party led by Tony Abbot is expected to completely fail to win over voters at the next national election.

Mystery surrounds the expected forthcoming election result, senior minions exclaiming "How could this happen?!". Rumour has it Cthulhu is looking replace the Abbott government, his net is cast wide, and a line of killer robots has  yet to be ruled out.

Wild and irrational speculation abounds. Some say voters liked having energy systems that fail to destabilized the climate or pollute local natural environments. While others trot out pet theories that maintaining health services, education, and sustainable energy research remain favoured policies for many Australians. One of the most ludicrous ideas out there is the idea that Australian authorities shouldn't be torturing or raping refugee's in off-shore concentration camp's.

Clearly, the real cause is that Australians are so overwhelmed by smoke and heat stroke from the annual wild fire season that they now don't know what they are saying or doing, they now are regularly seen going on deluded rants about caring for vulnerable people - especially the brown ones, protecting fragile environments, and creating a sustainable Australian economy. This is clearly an unforeseen complication. The mind bending techniques of Cthulhu seem to be subject to interference from the hot weather.

According to technical experts in the field, the hypothesis of warmer climates or other extreme weather events interfering with Cthulhu's mind bending techniques has merit and is under active investigation.

According to Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific "Aye, His Noodliness, in his gospel talks of encouraging everyone to wear pirate regalia by warming the Galleon Earth, but perhaps it is also to keep minds clear of Cthulhu's mind bending trickery. Even drunk he has good ideas, sometimes."

See also
   New Poll: Liberal party destined for 36 seat wipeout - Stuff

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Thousands Protest TPPA, Cthulhu's office minions hide under desks.

When an ancient monster of the deep doesn't get things going their way, things tend to get ugly. As evidenced after Cthulhu's return from Wellington to supervise John Key as he addressed a crowd of thousands critical of the Trans-Pacific Partnership.

The whole affair went so badly Cthulhu had to pretend he was one of the protesters, just to not complicate the already huge mess his plan for economic and social devastation had become. Needless to say, his mood is considerably darker, than our last report. There is speculation of a Rick Astley revival tour, because this has escalated beyond a Justin Bieber concert level event.

Despite failing to win over the crowd on the Trans-Pacific partnership, John Key did manage to entertain the throng with dancing, air guitar and pony tail pulling.

At the end of the protest, dancing broke out behind him. Minions manoeuvred to squash the fun, but could only hold it to the base of the steps of Parliament.

Cthulhu hides in crowd to avoid "complicating" the destruction of reality.

Huge crowd at impromptu protest after the protest.

Extra speeches enthusiastically welcomed, but not from Minion John Key.

The protest finished some time ago, almost everyone is still here
It seems Cthulhu may be worried that if enough people know how bad this deal is, it may well fail and new plans will have to be developed to bring on the destruction of the great Galleon Earth.

Meanwhile, his suspicions have been confirmed, and what little has been leaked about the Trans-Pacific Partnership is devastatingly powerful, and his great mind bending powers may not be enough to turn public opinion around.

Worst still, the minions in charge of the project are engaged in infighting with some plotting to barbecue Tim Groser on a spit.

One minion said "I wouldn't call it utter chaos, but it is complete bedlam around here."

Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, had this to say "Aye, This be interesting, the deal be straining under the weight of its own stupidity. Complete dissonant collapse be imminent... Stand back, put on yer goggles and hazmat suit, this is going to get rough! Arr 'tis better it implode before it matures to a working derangement. His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, will, find some comfort in this news. We may yet clear the foul winds of the Trans-Pacific Purgatory."

See Also
   3News - Thousands protest against the TPPA Deal

Impertinent Kiwi's stand up to TPPA, Cthulhu "grumpy"

Today thousands of New Zealanders will take to  the streets and some will march on Parliament to voice their opposition to the Trans-Pacific partnership, this follows a week of action including rallies around the country.

The majority of New Zealanders, while keen on trade, see the Trans-Pacific partnership as a bad deal for New Zealand jobs, trade and sovereignty. The Trans-Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership, a similar agreement centred on the US and Europe, has stall over similar concerns, particularly over concerns around national and regional sovereignty.

The TPPA has opposition from primary producers, auto makers, and manufacturing firms because of concerns of market access, and intellectual property.

Still, Tim Groser and John Key seem pretty excited by the prospect of  a deal being made, rather like a moth to a bug zapper.

It has not been a good month for the TPPA, and Cthulhu has been disturbed by recent developments, His mood has not improved with news of popular uprising against his terrible power. Sources close to Cthulhu said "All morning he's been muttering, very little that is intelligible, but every now and then 'impertinent monkeys' is voiced clearly. And he's cleared his appointments for the rest of the day." 

Observers, say this could be a sign he's planning something big, natural disasters cannot be discounted. Remember Christchurch? That was because the National Front failed to get any political representation. Expect much worse if the TPPA fails. At this point, a Justin Bieber concert is not inconceivable.

We asked Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific for comment.
 "Aye, We pirate crew stand for creativity happiness and harmlessness, the cut of Cthulhu's gib catches no fair winds, so we stand to navigate from foul air. towards the beer volcano and merrymaking. His Noodliness,  The Flying Spaghetti Monster, sauce be upon him, is concerned that the Trans-Pacific Partnership has developed this far, and suggest we steer clear of its fouled air, in case it fails to collapse under the weight of its own stupidity. Ramen!"