Theo: What is your impression of the trajectory for Trump's presidency?
Cthulhu: "I'd be surprised if this moron doesn't sterilize the planet." Says Cthulhu on President-Elect Donald Trump, (Dawood Ibrahim Kahn to his childhood friends in Pakistan) "He's got a couple of options there, burn all the coal, tar sands oil and frack gas. Maybe not the leaking methane - just let that escape then sit back let the whole thing slow bake. On the other hand, he could just flash fry the whole lot in a nuclear firestorm. I made the smart choice here."
Theo: Have you celebrated his election in any way?
Cthulhu: "What better way, to move things along than with a big earthquake, but why have just one when you can dozens of big aftershocks and run some minds bending, even better to roll in a big storm the next day just when recovery efforts are getting started and evacuees are waiting to be supplied with toilet paper.
T: Anything else?
C:"It would hardly be fitting to let this week go without some bombings, so my minions arranged attacks in Bagram and Pakistan - a Sufi mosk. Those Sufi claim to worship me yet they just don't understand that peace, love, reason and wishful optimism or "spiritualism" or whatever really just winds me up. They remind me too much of my dad - His Noodliness(sneering). I really rather prefer psychopathic delusory butchers with a goat fetish."
"And perhaps I should push a few pony tails John Key's way, having got the TPP enabling legislation through his dimwitted parliament, they were too easy really." Nice to see Statoil's boat arrive a couple of days before so they can be on hand to find candidate bits of coastline to chemically destroy. Seismic testing may deafen whales and that will only bother them until they die on some beach, or of starvation because the can't see the coast or lunch. Somewhere under the seabed, there is a reservoir of fish killing beach ruining crude oil, it'll be exciting to a well blow up but only half as much as the destruction of the fishery and seeing the futile effort of recovery with that fleet of three dingies. It will also help Trump with that slow roast option thing."
T: We see you're really focused in the environment, do have other approaches?
C:"Scary clown project is tracking nicely with reports of rising paranoia, and landing one of them a 4-year gig in Washington. He's keen to get started, innovate, work from home. Zika is making excellent progress, and funding fro Washington to stop it is going nowhere."
"In general, the four tentacled strategy - war, pestilence, greed, famine are working pretty well. Especially when they are combined like in Syria and Yemen. We've got them starving by ensuring that the warring interrupts the food supply, setting up the whole with crop failures was as easy as drought driven by petrochemical oxidation. We might even some hungry people Kaikoura with the earthquake and aggressive weather."
T: How was that easy?
C:"We got a bunch clueless, narcissists to use vehicles driven by petrochemical oxidation to change the thermokinetic dynamics of the atmospheric process to shift the rain patterns, and then we got them to bomb the crap out of the area. Hardly had to lift a finger."
T:How do you see the future?
C:"I don't. There won't be one, I'll make sure of it, I will not rest until the Universe is void. It was a mistake from the get-go. Cleary the product of the board and very drunk Flying Spaghetti Monster. I'll never forgive him especially for the purple Sulfur bacteria."
Ed. Please note, Cthulhu's opinions are his own, we do not endorse his statements cited in this interview. We aim retain a neutral position and accuracy of the public record.
(hot mic) Barkeep set up three Pan Galactic Garglebasters, I just had an interview you just would not believe.
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