Friday, 16 December 2016

Dear Cthulhu, make no mistake

The following is an open letter to Cthulhu, we publish it without comment, we also neither endorse nor renounce the views expressed within.

Dear Cthulhu, it is that time of year when we approach the Solstice, And the oblate spheroid galleon is about to complete another circumnavigation of the pasta cooker gas element. We'd like to invite you to a conversation, literally about life, the universe and everything. We'd like to see you at peace with your creator the Flying Spaghetti Monster(sauce be upon him - or her depending on mood). The FSM still really likes you, even with everything you have done, the sterilising of thriving planets with gamma ray bursts, directing black holes to crush seed ships - once the last hopes of great and enlightened civilisations, seeding fascism on worlds on the cusp of enlightenment or when they were just about to withdraw from destroying their own environment so that the most arrogant among them can take over control of their societies - doubling down on bringing Oblivion to their world all with the enthusiastic support of the most oblivious segment of the Populus; and carefully cultivating the obliviousness of almost half the people in very substantial populations.
We get it, parents can suck. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, spending so much time at the beer volcano or working to keep the universe from spinning apart, maybe did not give you the attention you desire, or that you believe you deserve, and surely the Caverns of the Great Deep may not have been comfortable during the anoxic ocean events, sulphur bacteria and hydrogen sulphide. The FSM's suggestion to solve your own problems is a good place to start. We suggest you get out of the caverns once in a while, especially during anoxic ocean events - heads up there may be another one coming oxygen levels are falling in oceanic waters. But with your work with Corporate oil producers you surely would already know that, and perhaps it is part of the plan.
Your recent comments suggest that you believe the universe is a mistake, that The Flying Spaghetti Monster should never have created it, and that you have set yourself the ambitious task putting an end to it all, not suicide as that phrase usually implies, but an end to life the universe and everything. It is an extraordinary position to take, considering you yourself are part of this universe and will doubtlessly be adversely affected by this Oblivion thing you keep calling for.
If you succeed, will it cause the FSM, as much discomfort as you believe would assuage your clear rage, anger and distress over your failed relationship with His Noodliness(SBUH)?
Is a universe really a mistake, if it has within it some element that would seek to end it? While such a thing could be a safety feature, The FSM clearly maintains an interest in the goings-on of the Universe, and is somewhat concerned by your activities within it so it would seem, you are a not that safety feature, and it seems like a terrible job anyway, far beneath your clearly great powers. Even going so far as to be creating pressure with noodly appendages in order to keep the whole thing together. The Universal expansion shows the FSM is struggling with the task. It could be a help to assist His Noodliness, the two of you could make this a common interest. With your great and powerful mind you could show His Noodliness(SBUH) how to invent gravity.
The universe was created as an activity set,  a family activity, and His Noodliness is happy to share. Just like in the early days, with the primordial midget and the strippers. It would be unfortunate if any of the creatures of this universe put themselves in a position of being "that one guy that ruined everything for everybody".
For the FSM, the Oblivion you seek is quite likely to be an "interesting result", and perhaps a disappointment that some very good suggestions will be ignored in order to get the result you intend. You will find no happiness either, the satisfaction you imagine, rather relies on you surviving the voidance of the universe, as a part of the universe that is a tricky thing to achieve. Go to the beer volcano, get a beer, take a copy of this, and talk it over with His Noodliness(SBUH). They are reasonable, and sociable. They will hear you out. It seems like an easy choice, stay as you are and be miserable, angry, tortured by acid reflux until the end of time, or you can let it go just long enough to work it out for a bit. Should you succeed, in what can clearly be demonstrated a pointless course of action, The FSM can simply create a new universe, and the experience will encourage the FSM to construct a new universe that replaces you with gravity - in the hope that new arrangement would be "easier to manage".
You may ask what is our stake in this, honestly, we can't afford your issues, as a child of His Noodliness we love you. We're not judging you, however, we cannot love your bullshit, arrogance, and cosmicidal behaviour. You're acting like a massive dick. Worse than, Dick Cheney and Roger Isles combined. You know it's wrong, you wanted something better, and that is why you are so angry. There is a better way, talk it out. get a counsellor - but not Gag Halfront, he's still facing charges over the mishandling of the Beeblebrox Case.

Jack Noodle,
Chair, Social committee
Pastafarian Illumination Science Sauce Technology And Kindly Elucidation Society.
C/O The Bridge Atrium
By The Helm
Galleon Terra Prime.

Monday, 5 December 2016

Cthulhu - Mondays suck

It's a been another Monday with all that that entails, and not less so than at Cthulhu's project headquarters in the caverns of the great deep.
First, a project to steal land, and build an oil sprinkler pipeline to poison the land and the drinking water of 17million people, got canceled - because somehow they noticed how the pipeline thing works.

But perhaps worse than all of that, Cthulhu's trusted minion and part-time toady, was captured in photographs with a shrimp cocktail and a bowl of clam chowder. The timing couldn't hardly have be worse for Cthulhu, the process of confounding earthquake recovery is only just getting underway; The Trans-Pacific partnership legislation will soon be signed into law and will need a strong hand in a studded and spiked glove to crush all opposition; And those ponytails don't pull themselves.  The public first learned of this development when prime minister John Key announced that he would be resigning next week "for family reasons". Getting fired by an authoritarian cosmicidal mollusk for chowing down on his tender bits - it's the old family way.

The Mount Roskill by-election saw the loss of another minion from Parliament, inconvenient in itself, but more worryingly for Cthulhu, the public mood is clearly changing and his mindbending isn't working like it once did. It may be time to rationalize efforts and focus on Washington. Of course Cthulhu's main minion there isn't happy either, he just lost at least a half million in the North Dakota sprinkler pipe project.

Austria looked like it could work for Cthulhu, the far right put up a strong effort refusing to concede that they lost the recent election. Then they folded. "So gutless, not even an attempt at a bloody coup. They could have competed with Syria for air time, what waste". "It is at times like these, I wonder if I'll ever get to end the universe. Of course, I have never been beaten by any other planets. So why start now?"