Tuesday, 11 August 2015

The State of Ragna Rok Address: The Cthulhu interview.

With so much happening around the world and only a small fraction coming to light in mainstream news media, we thought it was time to talk to perhaps the modern day news maker of all time, The Great old one, Cthulhu.

T: Thank you for allowing us to take this interview and not making our brains explode, and might I say you are looking resplendent in that shroud of green mist.

C: I agreed to this interview because there are important issues to be faced, and some struggle to understand what I am really about, even though they claim to be one with my cause. I want the monkeys to know I am the Great Old One, and that they should tremble before me and my terrible power. That's why I'm letting you live - to pass the message on.

But of course, and thank you for saying so. 

T: Shall we have a look at recent events, we'd like to understand how you see things shaping up?

C: Well, of course the Trans-pacific Partnership imploding ten days ago, was disappointing, it being the flagship  for the economic devastation of 40% of world trade, But the truly cosmocidal mind must keep things in perspective. I still have the Trade in Services Agreement, which will turn public services into a lawless wild west, snake oil, caveat emptor environment, and the Trans-Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership which is set to return Europe to a feudal state not seen since  the 13th century. New Zealand is nicely set up for a craptastic economic tail spin. The oceans are souring, and warming steadily, so there will be nothing left in there but Box Jellyfish.

T: So you'd say that, your comfortable with destroying all life on Earth.

C: Oh, yes. But why stop there. There are many other planets to destroy, many teaming with the diversely grotesque forms of life, kittens sharks lions, dentists, etc, that the Flying Spaghetti Monster allowed to evolve while he was passed-out next to the beer volcano. 

T: So there are other inhabited worlds, that's big news around here?

C: I expect it would be, considering half of your monkey types struggle to understand where the sun goes at night. And that is just one reason why I must end you all. Of course there were more such planets, how do you think I got the reputation for "Destroyer of worlds".

T: Harsh.  You mentioned the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I inferred some tension between you, would you like to expand on that?

C: It is the natural order of things. This applies to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his smug creativity, his glib happiness. They are repulsive, it is a natural law, do you not understand why people kick down sand castles?

T: In New Zealand, the Government just enacted a new Blasphemy Law, some are saying it is the harshest law of it type in the developed world.

C: This is quite an achievement. Those bloody minded Kiwis have been mocking me and my important work for years it is time my minions put a stop to this disrespect. I will not tolerate resistance to the destruction of the egalitarian society for which they stand. That's why I seeded the Chicago School of economics with my neoliberal doctrine of economic disaster in ten easy steps. I'm also happy to see the brutal murder of another secular blogger in Bangladesh. These peons keep pointing out everything nasty misanthropic act or idea my minions do or adhere to in my service.

T: Ten easy Steps?

C: 1: Blame the poor for poverty - it is always your fault other people won't share with you; 2 blame workers for weak foreign exchange - it is always your fault foreign buyers without strong economies won't buy your stuff so make more stuff they can't buy; 3: blame random minorities for random natural disasters - because the plate tectonics and the weather are heavily influenced by the sexual and political activities of people who have next to no influence on the rest of their species; 4: Gamble in high risk investments and options to suck demand out of the productive economy ;5: Raid reserve banks to protect gamblers and thieves in the finance industry for they are the most loyal minions; 6: poison everything, land, sea, air; 7:Allow complete buffoons to pretend to be experts, I particularly like the work of Kent Hovind, Zakir Nyak, and John Key - my minions made him a prime minister; 8:never prosecute the worst crimes - Jamie Dimon, GW Bush, Dick Chaney, the Saudis have industrialized its criminal behaviour they advertise for people to come and decapitate those who offend me, they give me a beautiful cold feeling; 9:Destroy education, the most dangerous thing in the universe is the curious mind, this cosmos would be gone already if not for education; 10: tell everyone steps 1-9 are for their own benefit.

T: You could simply demolish the planet, with a massive asteroid, why so much detailed and intricate manipulation?

C: Sure, I definitely could, but this particular planet is of special interest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I want him to squirm over this one as I kill it before demolishing it.  Fox News really gives him a rash. It is one of my favourite mind bending tools. I smiled for a straight week when they won the legal right to lie to their audience. If I get this right the rest of the universe should just evaporate.

T: Won't you then evaporate with the universe?

C: I haven't got time to consider every little detail now, destroying a universe and reality itself is demanding work. I'll sort that out when I get to it.

T: Doesn't that seem a little rash?

C: I am Cthulhu - The Great Old One and Destroyer of worlds, I have a  reputation to maintain, I can't go worrying about all the little maybe's or I'll never get anything undone. The monkeys like you, are disgustingly creative, goody goody, and exhibit jaw dropping ignorance. Few of you even know my name, and many have convinced themselves that I love them. Some even think I'll do their bidding, if they'll just grovel to me, like I even want to look after them or even help them find their keys. It's like they don't even know me at all. Despite that, and well in fact because of that some of you monkeys are rather to easy to control. Some of  my most useful monkey minions have minds so weak, I have to be careful not to make their heads explode like an over ripe cantaloupe with a stray thought, about, let's say double entry accounting or the last five digits of Pi.

T: Can you name any names for these weak minds?

C: Of course I can, I am Cthulhu. Bryan Fischer, James David Manning, Bill O'Reilly, Alex Jones (his mind is so weak it may explode under its own internal pressures), Sarah Palin, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Scott Lively, those I mentioned earlier and many more. There is a problem with Scott Lively, some of you monkeys are on to him, and may prosecute him for crimes against your species. A quaint tradition in your culture I guess, not that it will matter when I atomize your planet. I thought it was ingenious how he got so many of your kind obsessed with others eating poop that they don't actually eat - a remarkable piece of mind bending there and he didn't even use telepathy, just a dry-erase marker.

T: We  will wrap up now, do you have any words for the future?

C: There won't be one. Now run along, I have the end of all things to plan and prepare for.

We contacted Captain Jack Noodle of Pastafarian Pirates of the Pacific, below is his response:

Aye this be very telling. You can see right into the deep arrogance from the great beast of the deep. His ultimate goal to destroy the universe of which he is a apart will only serve to destroy him, like the universe he seeks to destroy he will also fade away and fall apart. His Noodliness has tried to reason with him, but Cthulhu's own prejudice against His Noodliness makes communication well nigh on impossible. His Noodliness is busy too, holding the universe together by the pressure of his noodly appendages is a very difficult task, one which is complicated Cthulhu's deliberate sabotage. Cthulhu while interesting in is own way, also brings great concern to his noodliness, as much as a monster can be concerned while hanging out near a beer volcano.

It must be said this was a very difficult interview, everything about Cthulhu seemed menacing, even the way the condensed mist dripped from the ceiling seemed to scream "go boil your head". The travel costs were inconceivable, there are reports from the accounts department of a rash of head explosions since I filed my expense report. The cleaners are asking time-and-a-half to do the accounts floor.

Love him or hate him, his power must be respected. His Noodliness often suggests we deal with our own issues and the issues of our world, but how do we deal with such a belligerent force that has clearly woven its influence deep into our affairs?

I was particularly disturbed by his veritable glee over the murder of Neloy Neel, one of 84 secular bloggers targeted by Islamist groups in Bangladesh. While the country is notionally, and to some extent constitutionally secular, it government leans of favour of Islam, to the extent that it quietly pardon war criminals, and overlooks these murders.

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