Sunday, 15 December 2013

Fox News' War on Pastamass rides again, with casualties

This week Megyn Kelly made the preposterous claim the gift giver of the annual solstice is an elderly obese Caucasian male who flies a magical sleigh towed by magical reindeer capable of overcoming mythical gravity.

Her comments were so embarrassing she was asked to give the following night a miss on her own show. Clearly mainstream Pastafarians should not have to put up with such ignorant comments, even from a comedian, like Ms Kelly. She returned after her one day sabatical, apollogetic, barely.

What Ms Kelly clearly does not understand is that gravity is just a theory and no magic reindeer are required to overcome it.  All you need is the cooperation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

She also fails to understand that an elderly some centuries old could not possibly be fit enough to visit every country in 24 days , let alone 24 hours. And the guy she picked hasn't done a lick of track-work in a century, and clearly pigs out at every stop.

These new Christians are deluding themselves they will use any excuse they can to deny the Flying Spaghetti Monster a place in their emotionless hearts. They arrogantly profess to know the truth and yet the deny the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all his complex carbohydrates goodness. You would think should be more greatful to he who boiled for their din-dins.

The Truth(tm) as we Pastafarians  have always known it for centuries is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster delivers toys to good little cabin boys and bar wenches, and he doesn't need gimmicks to do it, he flies and has noodley appendages, everything a FSM needs deliver toys to three billion trainee crew.

Thankfully we don't have to rely on artistic impressions of our noodley saviour, being a bit of a whore for the camera's attention he generously provides us with many opportunities to see his noddliness on a regular basis. And Clearly not Caucasian.

Here he is in New Zealand Summer 2011, checking to see if John Key had followed his advice and not run in the election earlier that year. His Noodliness is reported to have  been "most disappointed".

In 2012, visiting Rome, he suggest Pope Benedict should get some rest. His Noodliness is reportedly "very pleased" that they accepted his advice.

In 2010, he visited mecca to ask if the would "Please stop beheading people who don't believe in me, it's not nice. I don't require them to believe in me, It is just nice if they do and beheading them kinda ruins my beer buzz. So please, will you stop?" Shortly after a mob came at him with machetes. He later commented "It's a good thing am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They seem to have lost the whole point of what I'm trying to do with this world, ... and that's party. I don't know Cthulhu had anything to do with their behaviour, but it looks suspicious."

See Also
    Media Matters

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